Wanted
It was a dumb knockoff of The Matrix. The plot is relatively the same, a lame guy who works in an office discovers he’s “the chosen one” and is pressured into joining a team of rouge assassins led by a wise black man. The team, called “The Fraternity” (what a gay name), try to protect the world from behind the scenes and put Wesley, the lame guy, through a rigorous training montage. The only key plot differences are The Matrix is about some guys trying to stop robots from sucking heat out of humans, and Wanted is about some spinning loom that talks in binary and tells people to kill other people. It has it’s moments yes, but nothing that really sets it apart from other movies in which a feeble white man becomes a powerful assassin. James McAvoy plays Neo, Morgan Freeman plays Morpheus, and Angelina Jolie plays Trinity. Shit half the movie is shot in bullet-time alright.
“Do you spend a lot of time with knives? ” 8/10

The Dark Knight
Thesaurus.com doesn’t have any synonyms for “stellar as all fuck” and the only reason I didn’t dedicate a normal size ramble review to this movie is because I just couldn’t express my love for this film with words. There just isn’t a humanly audible sound or gesture I can make that accurately captures the gushy feeling I have when I think about the Joker waving his tongue around licking his lips and talking like one of those weird worldly Jewish guys who strike up conversations with people on the street. The more I think about this movie the better it gets and the wetter my pants get. If it had more foxy ladies this would have been, in my mind, the greatest movie ever made, with the exception of Legally Blonde of course.
“I use a knife because guns are too quick. Otherwise, you can’t savor all the emotions. You know who people are in their last moments. ” 11/10

In grand “X-Files” manner, the film’s storyline is being kept under wraps, known only to top studio brass and the film’s principals. This much can be revealed: The supernatural thriller is a stand-alone story in the tradition of some of the show’s most acclaimed and beloved episodes, and takes the always-complicated relationship between Fox Mulder (Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Anderson) in unexpected directions. Mulder continues his unshakable quest for the truth, and Scully, the passionate, ferociously intelligent physician, remains inextricably tied to Mulder’s pursuits. (via movieweb)

http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/thexfilesiwanttobelieve/

Essentially they just garbled Borat and Zoolander together and threw in some brown people. Adam Sandler plays the role of an Israeli counter terrorist commando who fakes his death and flees to America to live out his dream of giving flabby Jewish grandmothers 1980 hairstyles. Several Jew jokes later he finds work at a Palestinian hair salon and falls in love with the owner. Oh the irony, the hilariously unexpected irony. Sandler does some flips and there are a few hummus jokes here and there but for the most part nothing happens for the entire middle chunk of the movie. Rob Schneider makes his very first cameo appearance in an Adam Sandler movie ever and plays a Palestinian cab driver seeking revenge on Zohan for stealing his goat years ago in Israel. Schneider enlists the help of Zohan’s old terrorist rival, The Phantom, to thwart Zohan at a hacky sack match and destroy his hair salon.


For no reason whatsoever Mariah Carey shows up, plugs her new album, spends about 3 minutes on screen doing nothing, then is forgotten. The Phantom turns out to be the brother of the moderately attractive Palestinian owner of Zohan’s hair salon and the Israeli and Palestinian Americans are able to reconcile their differences and focus their attention on beating up Dave Matthews and his band of rednecks. Zohan and The Phantom’s sister get married and the thriving Middle Eastern community the Israeli and Palestinian Americans built together gets turned into a mega-mall.

6/10

“Middle Eastern? No no no. I’m half Australian, half Mt. Everest.”