Children of men is a very indie film. It’s got that whole shakey camera pointless plot thing going for it. The year is 2027 and the world has fell into chaos. You see in 2008ish every woman in the world stopped getting pregnant and not one person with all of their futuristic technology has found the cause to this sudden stop in baby making. Realizing humanity was doomed everyone becomes fucking insane immigrants or something and wear rags and ride bikes. The only civilized nation left in the entire world is Britain. The British are always civilized, drinking tea and eating crumpets and tossing around the word wanker even amidst the collapse of life. The main character is this guy Theo, who gets kidnapped by some sneaky terrorist organization to help some girl sneak into Britain. Theo and his terrorist activist friends get into their car and drive through the outskirts of evil immigrant Europe where they’re ambushed by evil immigrants and the female terrorist leader is killed. Eventually they make it to this barn where Theo finds a dark skinned woman, I think Haitian maybe, and she proceeds to take off her shirt, much like any strange woman one would meet in a farm, revealing a protruded tummy.

Is this tummy full of squash? Tamales? Legos? No, it’s just a baby. Theo realizing the fate of all of Britain rests in this woman’s stomach decides to take her and escape in a beat up old car that may I add was NOT flying. Apparently nothing in the future flies. So Theo and his stolen pregnant sidekick embark on a mission to get to a humanity organization that will harness the babies babyness and save the future. On their travels they encounter much violence and the ethnic cleansing of the British, by the British. Lot’s of people die but they’re all insignificant and no one bats an eye over them and there are tanks and bombs and shit going off left and right. Pregnant lady gives birth to a small baby with a full head of hair and is in all of 5 minutes of agonizing labor and like any other woman who has just given birth in the middle of battlefeild, gets up, smiles, and goes back to her business and by that I mean doing nothing at all. This is not a very sound place to raise a baby I must say. Eventually pregnant lady’s black lover comes and drags her about 100 feet away to a broken building inside of a British concentration camp. Theo spends about 15 minutes traveling these 100 feet very slowly, so as to add dramatic effect. Theo finds pregnant woman and they escape to an underground boat and sail out to sea. Theo then realizes he was shot minutes ago then tips to his left and dies. The movie ends with pregnant lady out in the middle of the ocean with no oar and her baby in her arms. What a beautiful ending.

5/10

“There’s no father. I’m a virgin. Nah! Be great, though, wouldn’t it?”
All of haplowmanity rests in your belly.

Very Happy Feet infact. Memphis, a happy little penguin also has reproductive organs and wouldn’t you know it, it just so happend to be mating season up down there in Antarctica. Shortly after he acquires an egg through some sort of sex like process. Oh no he dropped the egg! OH GOSH. Luckily the baby inside survived being as it was born and all, but was it a perfect baby? NO. You see poor baby “Mumble” got some sort of foot retardation and the second he popped out of his egg started dancing instead of marching in line with the other communists. Mumble dances away and then finds his mom Norma Jean and she’s so happy to see him she throws up in his mouth. None of the Penguins like Mumble and his rebellious tap dancing ways, they’re all like “yo conform hombre” or “what you doing son” and the elders are all like he’s an abomination to our superior white race. Poor him boo hoo. Then birds try to eat him and he falls in a hole.

Birds are now eating penguins might I add beca use all the fish were took by aliens. Then fast forward to penguin school graduation day where Mumble gets beaten up by a bird trying to give a fish to his penguin high school romance Gloria who now hates him less cause he gave her food and shes a slut. Fast forward again to mating season. Mumble is all alone with nothing to mate with but his flipper. Then a seal attacks him. Jesus, you know, how unlucky could you be. Mumble, while running from the seal that’s trying to eat him, meets a bunch of younger penguins who are getting more action then he is but like him cause he dances. They become his posse. Fast forward more to Mumble trying to woo Gloria by having a Spanish penguin sing while he mimes the words. They break into dance, again, and again. But hark! The elders appear and are very sad cause aliens keep eating their food and the only way to find out why is to go to the penguin Lovelace so Mumble goes cause he’s a hero. Lovelace is a fat penguin who got attacked by the thing that holds six packs together and can’t get it off. For some reason this thing around his neck is choking him. No good. Then they all embark on an adventure. Oh shit while off adventuring giant boats come, boats full of aliens, and Mumble goes off to be more of a hero by following them. Fast forward more to Mumble lying on a beach half dead where he’s then found and put into a penguin concentration camp. He spends 3 days yelling but no one can hear him cause he speaks bird :( He then goes insane and starts dancing, this attracts loads of people cause everyone loves dancing penguins. Then they feel bad for hurting animals and global warning so they free him. His dad sits and mopes over him and Gloria never had babies so it’s like nothing happened while he was gone. Phew. Mumble got tagged by the humans though and they find him again with their magic helicopters. Then the humans and penguins all start dancing together. Just like real life.

8/10

“It… it just ain’t penguin, okay?”
People have to come together and stop haplowing all the fish alright.

Saw 3, much like the other two movies, confused me what with my weak comprehension skills. It begins where the second movie left off. In fact the first movie left off there to. It’s the room where the first 2 guys and the cop were left to die. Amanda, the pot filled sociopathic serial killer henchwoman of Jigsaw, went back in the room after she had left the cop to die and finished the job. Terrible terrible. The bull dyke detective from the other movies gets killed when Amanda builds a machine to tear her rib cage out. Now that that’s out of the way heres where the movie starts going down, falling freely from a cliff with 9.8 m/s acceleration. [Neglect air resistance] Solve for time! Anywho Jigsaw has cancer. This was established many times over and over. He’s laying in a bed dying slowly. To prolong his life he hatched an ingenious scheme to kidnap a doctor who he was apparently stalking. He has Amanda strap a bomb to her neck and if Jigsaws pulse falls flat, BOOM. Thus she must keep him alive to save herself. Follow? In the room next to hers there’s a man going through a Jigsaw test to rid him of his vengeance towards the man who killed his son.

So this man goes through a serious of what should be traumatizing tests but of course they don’t faze him because hes just that good of an actor, as is every actor in this movie thrown into near death situations. That was sarcasm so ya know. As the man goes though his test, the doctor operates on Jigsaw’s skull with power tools and alcohol. Throughout the movie Amanda has random flash backs which are completely irrelevant and boring and I thought I should mention that. I have no reasoning behind why I did. The man comes face to face his son’s killer, who is of course black. The killer is strapped to a machine that’ll pretzel him unless the dude who’s son he killed finds a key and lets him out. Well this guy’s a dick and doesn’t do it in time. He gets a gun and leaves the room of torment and wacky and goes to pursue Jigsaw. Now listen cause here comes da drama. Oh snap. Amanda whips out her gun and shoots the docotor, wait wait, the man with the gun who passed the tests walks into the room with his gun and shoots Amanda, wait wait, THE DOCTOR AND THE GUY WHO WENT THROUGH THOSE TESTS ARE MARRIED!!! GASP!!! Amanda dies, irrelevantly, and the doctor got shot in the neck so can’t tell her husband that if he kills Jigsaw her head blows up. Wouldn’t you know it he kills Jigsaw. His wifes head explodes. Terrible terrible. BUT ALAS. As Jigsaw died he played a message on a tape recorder saying the man, who now lost his son and wife and was directly responsible for the murders of 5 people, had to play a final puzzle, for his daughter, the only person he had left, was in a room with little air. Then the credits rolled. There obviously won’t be a fourth movie. That was sarcasm so ya know.

9/10 ( It was quite gory so go see it )

“He killed my son and you only gave him 6 months in prison.” “Sorry.”
I want to haplow a game.