Will Smith plays a very convincing sad black superhero. That’s the nicest thing I could think of to say about the movie. The first half of it was great. Will Smith flying around unleashing quippy bits of ebonics onto unsuspecting white people? Now that sounds like my kind of movie. Will Smith punching trains and shit and throwing small French boys in the air for giving him sass? Yes, yes. Will Smith saving public relations professional Jason Bateman from being smooshed on railroad tracks then becoming his client and having wacky adventures including a prison riot that ends with a man’s head in another man’s butt? Sounds like a blockbuster right here. And then they had to go fuck it all up by sticking a plot in it. Well wouldn’t ya know it Jason Bateman’s wife Charlize Theron turns out to be Will Smith’s 3000 year old super powered lover. What are the chances the only two superheros in the world would accidentally meet each other? Very high apparently.

What’s the back story behind Will Smith having super powers you ask? Why bother to even make one up! He just woke up one day and he could fly. These things happen. Well what about the 3000 year old women what’s her deal? Who cares! The movie says something about how Will and Charlize are lovers who, when they get close to each other, lose their powers and if they stay together long enough get killed in one way or another. Well Will and Charlize get close and lose their powers and Charlize gets shot and dies. But then she comes back to life for some reason! Yay! Will Smith decides that losing his powers and dying isn’t something he wants so he goes to fight crime in New York and paints a giant heart on the moon. What.

7/10

“Call me an asshole one more time. “