Children of men is a very indie film. It’s got that whole shakey camera pointless plot thing going for it. The year is 2027 and the world has fell into chaos. You see in 2008ish every woman in the world stopped getting pregnant and not one person with all of their futuristic technology has found the cause to this sudden stop in baby making. Realizing humanity was doomed everyone becomes fucking insane immigrants or something and wear rags and ride bikes. The only civilized nation left in the entire world is Britain. The British are always civilized, drinking tea and eating crumpets and tossing around the word wanker even amidst the collapse of life. The main character is this guy Theo, who gets kidnapped by some sneaky terrorist organization to help some girl sneak into Britain. Theo and his terrorist activist friends get into their car and drive through the outskirts of evil immigrant Europe where they’re ambushed by evil immigrants and the female terrorist leader is killed. Eventually they make it to this barn where Theo finds a dark skinned woman, I think Haitian maybe, and she proceeds to take off her shirt, much like any strange woman one would meet in a farm, revealing a protruded tummy.
Is this tummy full of squash? Tamales? Legos? No, it’s just a baby. Theo realizing the fate of all of Britain rests in this woman’s stomach decides to take her and escape in a beat up old car that may I add was NOT flying. Apparently nothing in the future flies. So Theo and his stolen pregnant sidekick embark on a mission to get to a humanity organization that will harness the babies babyness and save the future. On their travels they encounter much violence and the ethnic cleansing of the British, by the British. Lot’s of people die but they’re all insignificant and no one bats an eye over them and there are tanks and bombs and shit going off left and right. Pregnant lady gives birth to a small baby with a full head of hair and is in all of 5 minutes of agonizing labor and like any other woman who has just given birth in the middle of battlefeild, gets up, smiles, and goes back to her business and by that I mean doing nothing at all. This is not a very sound place to raise a baby I must say. Eventually pregnant lady’s black lover comes and drags her about 100 feet away to a broken building inside of a British concentration camp. Theo spends about 15 minutes traveling these 100 feet very slowly, so as to add dramatic effect. Theo finds pregnant woman and they escape to an underground boat and sail out to sea. Theo then realizes he was shot minutes ago then tips to his left and dies. The movie ends with pregnant lady out in the middle of the ocean with no oar and her baby in her arms. What a beautiful ending.
5/10
“There’s no father. I’m a virgin. Nah! Be great, though, wouldn’t it?”
All of haplowmanity rests in your belly.